Please don't tell me.

Please do not tell me that I need to go visit my husband. Please do not "inform" me of how important it is. Please stop because it just adds to my stress level in a way I cannot handle rendering me nearly useless. I am feeling the need to explain myself, but in reality I shouldn't have to. It hurts that people would think that I feel ok in any sense of the word with not seeing him. He is my very, very best friend and I miss him with every fiber of my being. The other day I was on the phone sobbing to him that I felt guilty that I couldn't do it all. This situation sucks and it's really hard and to be quite honest, a lot of people are judging me for how I'm handling things, but not a lot of people are helping to make it easier for me. That sounds bad...not that I am looking for it to be easy...but, college grads, think back to when you were studying. It was hard, right? Now add a three years old...and for good measure an eight year old and a moody thirteen year old. Yeah. I am doing the best I can. My husband knows I love him and that I am lost without him. He knows I would do anything in the world for him...and I am. I am fighting for our family. That means that I can't take the time to drive seven hours to see him right now. I will when I have my break between classes. Even then, though, please remember that I have no income, I just had to spend all my savings to get my car up and running (so that I could go see him!), and this isn't as easy as it all seems. When someone says to me, "Have you seen Chris?" and I answer, "I haven't been able to yet", and they answer, "Well, you need to go see him!" it breaks me down and I spend the next few hours at least feeling on the verge of weeping (if not fully giving in to it). I went every single day I was allowed to go when he was in the O.C. I scrimp and save so that we can talk to each other on the phone as much as we need to. My goal is to go see him every other month or so. But, when I'm in school full-time, homeschooling my girls, attempting to run a household (or something like that), and missing my husband, the mention of the "necessity" to see him is something that is "unnecessary" to bring up. I know. I'm insanely aware. I'm doing all I can. Please trust that.